Basically I was a Nut Job…

Things have been busy lately. So busy that my husband searched for a way to bring some levity into my life by sending me the following document I prepared for him when Toddler G was Baby G and I was heading out of the house for my first evening away from the kidlet. It’s scary, dudes. Really scary. I prepared a document for him. An actual document on how to care for our child. Like it was his first rodeo. Here are some snippets (obviously his name has been replaced with “Baby G” to protect his identify…this is for the time-being until I get my Dina Lohan role underway and start pimping him out on YouTube:

Baby G’s Intinerary

Pre-Dinner

• Make Baby G’s supper
• Prepare bottle for bedtime
• Wipe down bath
• Two face cloths (one for wiping bath, one for Baby G to sit on)
• Place Baby G’s towel and face cloth in the bathroom
• Lay out pajamas on our bed
• Fill humidifier

Supper

• Sippy cup of water
• Meal
• Fruit for dessert
• Warm milk and bring it upstairs with you

Bathtime

• Play with toys
• Wash hair
• Wash stinky baby
• Play with toys
• Out when Baby G says so!
• Warm milk again

Pre-Bed Routine

• Baby G waves at himself in mirror wrapped in towel (Editor’s note: I really did have this down to an effing science)
• Place on change table, make a big deal about looking for Sal (Editor’s note: Sal is Baby G’s stuffed animal)…”Who’s that?! What’s in there??!! Who could it be??!!”
• Bring out Sal, “It’s SAL!” (Hug Sal when you say this)
• Start the Sal song, (Editors note: I did include the lyrics for the “Sal song” but in order to protect what is left of my credibility I will delete for the purpose of this blog).
• Baby G hugs Sal while you sing the song
• Face cream first
• Excema cream
• Lotion on legs (not on feet, Vicks Vapour Rub goes on feet) and arms
• Vicks on chest, feet and back (Editors note: He had a cold! Give me a break)
• Hair brushed
• Dim lights, turn on humidifier, turn on monitors (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT PUT HIM IN HIS CRIB FOR THIS, CARRY HIM TO DO IT)
• Into bedroom to put on pajamas and read a story
• Back in Baby G’s room, sit in the rocking chair and give milk. Constant slow rocking while Baby G has his milk. Not too fast, not too slow. No talking. Start to look sleepy yourself. He should be laying in your arms like a baby, rub his legs and belly a bit with the hand that is not holding the bottle. He should start to get drowsy.
• After milk, softly bounce and pace around the room (slowly) while Baby G lays against your chest. 
• Place in crib once he is relaxed (sometimes he actually points to crib and wants to go in).
• He will roll towards Sal, and cuddle him, put his blanket over him after this happens.

Make sure to open his door and your door before you go to sleep.

If Baby G wakes up

• Grab the bottle you prepared for the morning and warm it. You can replace it afterwards. Don’t go in until you have the warm bottle. He’ll just get worked up that it is not mommy.
• Same routine as before bed. Rock slowly, rub his leg, turn on music (you often have to turn the volume down a bit, for some reason it starts out loud)
• Pace a bit and lay down with Sal. He will probably cry a bit, but if he is not teething, he should be fine to go back to sleep. 

At the time, I did not realize how insulting this organizational chart must have been for The Husband. In retrospect, I was a massive asshole. I love that he saved it. Toddler G will be so impressed with our communication skills when he is a teenager.